Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Over 6 pregnancies, I've definitely heard my share of comments about children, childbirth and pregnancy in general. For those of you who haven't experienced the "joy" of tactless comments, I'll share some with you here.

Comment: "Haven't you had that baby yet?"
In my head: "Why, yes, actually. I gave birth just the other day, but I decided that I loved looking like this, so I left the baby at home and stuffed a watermelon down my shirt."

Comment: "When are you going to have the baby?"
My reply: "Don't know, but I'm due on xx date."
Follow Up: "What do you mean you don't know? Isn't this your sixth? You should KNOW something by now!"
In my head: "This may be MY 6th birth, but it is THIS baby's first. And baby's not sharing any information at this time."

Comment: "Wow! You're really getting big!"
In my head: "I'm 9 months pregnant. What's your excuse?"

Comment: "Six children?! Don't you know how that happens?"
In my head: "Yes, and obviously we enjoy it."

Comment: "How many times have you been married?"
In my head: "Eight, but all the kids belong to the 5th one."

Comment: "Well, by now you probably don't even feel anything when they're born."
In my head: "Let me kick you in the gut 5 times, then you let me know if you feel it the 6th time."

Comment: "Was it an accident?" (This is always asked by a total stranger.)
In my head: "Were you?"

Comment: (upon learning that we have homebirths) "Oh, do you have a lot of people come watch?"
In my head: "Yes, and we'll all be there for your next prostate exam." (It amazes me how many men make this comment.)

Comment: "Aren't you getting too old for that?"
In my head: "Obviously not. But since you're senile I won't comment on your rudeness."

Comment: "Hasn't anyone taught you about birth control?"
In my head: "Yes. Its a shame it didn't work for your parents."

Yes, I have really heard all those comments and more, though lately the replies don't seem to stay in my head anymore. Must be a pregnancy thing. =)